"What on earth am I doing?" was the thought running through my mind the second night of training camp, sharing a tent with a teammate huddled in a damp sleeping bag in a wet tent during a torrential downpour.
It's taken me a long time to write about training camp, I think because it's taken me a long time to process everything that happened. A lot was crammed into one week so I'll just start with training camp was hard. It was not what I expected. Firstly, the physical aspects had a greater affect on me than I had anticipated..sleeping in a wet tent (and I mean everything was wet, aaaall the time) or a school bus wasn't easy and it wasn't this outdoorsy idea I had had in my mind. I had to learn to get over myself and look past the situation, I say sheepishly. Secondly, it was spiritually challenging in that I was struggling with comparing my time and experiences with the Lord to everyone else's and always thinking I came up short. It was spiritually, emotionally, and physically draining.
I came into this thinking that I wanted this challenge, I wanted to be out of my comfort zone. I realized quickly that when I was actually put in these situations it was real and it was hard and it wasn't what I wanted at all; I had wanted it on my own terms. I had painted a picture of what I thought it would look like and it definitely wasn't what God wanted it to look like. The first half of training camp I had to be brought to my knees so the only thing left I could do was look at Jesus. I had to be broken of myself and my wants and my expectations. I had to learn to hunger for a dependence on nothing but my Sustainer.
The second half of the week I experienced freedom. God used a four hour prayer time with my squad (let me tell you, these people can pray) to powerfully burst open the reluctant seams of my heart and affirm my calling to Immersion. I love these teammates more than I can explain. With my whole dang heart in one week. God used a different night of worship to allow me to feel the Holy Spirit pour down God's love for me and break the chains of doubt and fear and comparison. I saw the Holy Spirit move in powerful ways among my teammates, and y'all, this is only a toe dip in the ocean that we're about to experience. Seeing my teammates love for Jesus only inspires me to dig in deeper and I'm so excited to do that with them so soon.
God had to bring me through the painfully hard couple of days to remind me that it's worth it. It might not always feel like it, but it will be worth it. I had to be reminded that it's not about me, and it never was. This is about Jesus Christ, and it always will be. The hardness, the uncomfortable, the ache…it is worth it. The only way I can be a vessel for the gospel is to embrace this that Jesus has called me to with complete abandon.
The answer to my question in my tent that night is that I am trying my best to follow Jesus in the way he has called me to do with the passions he has given me. Even if that means sleeping in wet clothes.
I'm ready now to release what was on my terms and I'm hungry for more. More Jesus, more life, more freedom, more peace and more joy than I've ever had. To have a complete dependence on Christ alone because when I am out of my comfort zone that's where His arms are most comfortable. I'm ready to surrender everything for a chance that his glory might be made known more and my heart might be changed in the process. Training camp gave me a taste and I'm ready for more.
To wrap up this exceedingly long post, there's a quote by Ann Voskamp in her 'Letter to the North American Church' that I want to rest in your heart for a while, that says, "You're famished for more, for hard and holy things, for some real meat for your starved soul, some real dirt under your fingernails, some real sacrifice in your veins- some real Jesus in your blood and in your hands and your feet."
Love you all, thank you for all of your abundant prayers!
